Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
