I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
