I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How does it feel to date your dad?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
