So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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