i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
