I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
