you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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