You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
