i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
