be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
