Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
