Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
