She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
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Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
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I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants