I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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