I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
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Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.