I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
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So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.