i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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