I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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