We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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