A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
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Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
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The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.