This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?