you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
