apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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