we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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