so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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