What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
