But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
