Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
