she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
