12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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