I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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