So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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