found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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