I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
