Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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