I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
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Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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