"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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