I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
