i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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