I skipped work to stalk him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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