ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
