i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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