do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
