i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
