You're so nebulous sometimes
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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