you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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