Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
