ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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