I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
