I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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