Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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