I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
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We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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