I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
