they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
