Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
this is an emotional support booty call
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