The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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