No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
