This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
