you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
