I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
