Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
