what day is it and did you see me today?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
