We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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