1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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