I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
be right there i have to get my cape
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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