based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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