i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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